by Jill Seipel, BS, MSSA, LICSW.

Jill is a psychotherapist in private practice with 29 years experience in helping people resolve issues that get in their way of creating more success in their lives. These articles will address fundamental communication skills that can help us all improve the effectiveness in our business and personal relationships.

How To Deal With Holiday Stress

For a number of reasons, the stresses of the Holiday Season can lend itself to a loss of perspective, effecting your work, your family, and your own well-being.

Let’s look at what is typically encountered from November through January:

• The media begins their marketing-hype for the holiday season before Thanksgiving

• We start anticipating our personal traditional holiday celebrations or starting new holiday traditions

• We have expectations of ourselves, and others, during this time

• We feel the pressure to keep up with sales and income when this is typically a slow time in our industry

• Even when you do have an opportunity to make a sale, you are aware of the customers’ reluctance to making “big” purchases, such as a new furnace, during the holiday season

• As for yourself, you have a sincere desire to actually have a non-stressful, relaxing, and enjoyable holiday.

Some of the following suggestions might be helpful in keeping a positive perspective during this often stressful time of year:

• Be realistic about what you can accomplish both in your work and at home

• Maintain a positive attitude about your ability to be successful

• Take time out to enjoy something meaningful to you that occurs during this time of year

• Be a little more patient with others, including your customers, family and friends

• Think of the importance of balance in your life and strive for it each day

• Keep a sense of humor!

So stay positive, keep doing what you know will bring you success, and have a Happy Holiday Season. 2006 will be here soon enough and you will have all the work you can handle.

If there is a specific subject you would like me to address in future articles, please email at jill@alainc.com.

ARE YOU STUCK? - January 2006 Issue

So, you had a pretty good year? Congratulations!

Would you like 2006 to be even better? Of course you would.

BUT . . .

You may feel reluctant to change what has brought you success. Do you find yourself resistant to doing things differently? As you know, without changing behavior, you can’t change results.

SO . . . You may be stuck.

Well, if you are, it is completely normal. As humans, we create routines in our lives and develop patterns that allow us to function in a way that gives us a sense of control. In order to make changes, we have to risk facing (for a period of time) the unknown and any unpredictable results. Not too many people leap into change, although often you’ll hear people say afterwards that there were many benefits from making the changes they did.

Some of the typical reasons why people don’t want to change:

1. We are comfortable with what is familiar

2. We desire control of outcome

3. We need a certain level of predictability

4. We tend to be satisfied with the success we currently have

Here are 4 tips to help you grow by embracing change: (link here)

1. Do not let feeling uncomfortable for a period of time be an obstacle

2. Pace the change in a way that allows you to feel you’re in control

3. Be willing to live with the “unknown” in order to see what unfolds

4. Know that if you have already been successful, you will be again. Change invites continued and increased success.

SO, get out there, set new goals, make the changes you need to and look forward to new results!

If there is a specific subject you would like me to address in future articles, please email at jill@alainc.com.

Do You Feel Confident in Yourself as a “Sales Person”? - February 2006 Issue
 

What makes a person feel successful in what they do?

Do you ever feel envious of someone who looks as though they have all the confidence in the world?

What is the secret to self-confidence…and competence?

First of all, one must realize that thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all separate, but interconnected. Each may be influenced by the other. Many people confuse a thought with a feeling. An easy way to distinguish the two is to remember that a feeling can be described in one word, i.e., content, confused, curious. A thought is expressed in a string of words, or sentence.

In order to feel confident and competent, an individual must be able to discern between his/her thoughts and feelings, then choose how to act. Successful people are aware of both thoughts and feelings, allowing for full feedback from the self. This leads to a conscious choice about the ensuing action one might take.

Confidence comes from knowing who you are and then choosing how you will interact in any situation. A confident person knows they have value, believes they have something of benefit to offer, and feels good about their ability to connect.

So, how do you answer the question, “Do you feel confident in yourself as a sales person?” If you don’t, or want to feel more confident, the key to creating this is in remembering that in order to feel differently, you must first change thought and action. The feeling will follow. It is the last component to shift.

It’s human nature to want to feel differently before we change our thought patterns or behavior. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

So, if you want to feel confident and competent, THINK that you are, then ACT it, and you will eventually FEEL it! It’s amazing how the human system operates. Give yourself the encouragement and time to be successful at this. I think you’ll be amazed at the changes in how you’ll feel about yourself and how quickly this will happen.
 

If there is a specific subject you would like me to address in future articles, please email at jill@alainc.com.

SELF-IMAGE: HAVE YOU UPGRADED YOURS LATELY? - April 2006 Issue

What is self-image? How does one get it? Can it change over time? Can I change my self-image in a way that will help me?

Self-image is essentially about how a person views himself. This can include attitudes, perceptions, beliefs, and emotions. It can be either positive or negative, or some combination of both. It starts to develop early in life, as we interact and experience others. If a person experiences criticism or negative feedback about who they are, it can result in a poor self-image. If a person is allowed to be themselves and encouraged to develop their individuality, the result is usually a strong self-image.

What many people don't realize is that much of what we may hold to be true about ourselves may in fact not be. As children we tend to believe what we are told and so we have often accepted what we have been programmed to believe about who we are. How often have you said to yourself or someone else, "It's just the way I am."? Do you ever think to ask yourself, "Is that really true?” or, “How did I come to believe this about myself?"

My belief is that many people fail to upgrade their self-image on a regular basis. In order to do this one must repeatedly question his beliefs about himself and discern which ones are true, which ones are false and which ones are outdated. Then one can keep, edit, or delete what applies or doesn't.

This is not for the feint of heart. It requires a thorough and honest
search within. The reward is that it is empowering and freeing.

As you realize that it is completely possible to change how you think and feel about yourself, you become free of any limitations of who you are and who you can be!

So, ask yourself, in your job, what are your beliefs about who you are? What can you accomplish? How successful can you be? Then review whether or not you are carrying any beliefs about yourself that are negative or limiting. Delete them immediately! Replace them with positive, respectful and encouraging beliefs. Be your own best coach. Be the salesperson or manager that you want to be. Imagine you already are. This is the key to sustaining healthy self-image.

Want to put this to work for yourself right now? Answer these questions (best if you print this and write them down):

• If I were to see myself as the world’s best salesperson, what does that look like to me?
__________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________


• In what ways do I see myself falling short of that?
__________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

• Write why those shortcomings are not true unless I choose them to be.
__________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________


• Write my new self-image of the best salesperson I can be:
__________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

If there is a specific subject you would like me to address in future articles, please email at jill@alainc.com.

Is Your Defensiveness Getting in Your Way of Selling? - May 2006 Issue

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel frustrated at not being able to get through to a customer, co-worker or boss? Do you respond by feeling personally “attacked” and you end up being locked in a defensive mode, being more interested in proving you are right than making things work? Is that behavior getting you what you want?

Defensiveness is natural to being human. It is a way we protect ourselves from potential or actual harm. It originates in the primal part of our brain known as the limbic brain. www.cognitivequitting.com/PDW_reptile_main.htm. So, our defensive nature can often be difficult to regulate or control, much less recognize when it is playing out in an interaction with another person. Although defensiveness has its appropriate place in our lives, when it interferes with how we make our living, it has gotten out of hand.

How do we recognize when we are getting defensive? How might it be helpful to see this part of ourselves when we are dealing with our customers? If you agree that defensiveness has a negative effect in your interactions with others, then developing self-awareness about this for yourself will be very helpful. Below are a few ways of determining your defensiveness in any interaction.

1. A need to be right.

2. A need to convince, prove, or persuade another to see things your way.

3. The need to be understood is more important than the need to understand.

4. A shutdown in the ability to listen objectively.

5. Inaccurate interpretation of what is being said, i.e., giving words used specific meanings, even though these words have not been used by the speaker.

6. The inability to get yourself “back to center” so that you don’t lose the interaction (or person) altogether.

7. Ignoring physical signals that indicate you are starting to go into a defensive posture (tightness in your throat/stomach; feeling tense).

By being aware of how you respond, you will be able to fully recognize when you are getting defensive. Then, you will be able to check yourself so that you do not sabotage what you are trying to accomplish. This is a great feeling and will increase your sense of competence and confidence.

Remember the old saying, “When you feel yourself getting angry just count to 10.”? What we know from recent brain research is that when we can pause it allows our brain to have time to shift from one side to the other, i.e., left to right or right to left. So, a brief delay can give you the necessary time to get your defensive reaction under control and shift you to a more rational place.

Let’s leave with you an example of how to accomplish this. Suppose you have just had a disagreement with your boss. You had worked hard on a project that had been given to you and you completed it, on schedule, without a lot of input from anyone, let alone your boss. Upon review, he was critical of your results. For any of us, it would be a natural response to feel defensive, and to even argue that you’d done the best you could, given the (or the lack of) direction you’d been given. Sound familiar? And where would that get you? Nowhere. A better choice might be to let go of the natural (defensive) tendency to see this as personal criticism, and to ask for feedback on what might make you better. By being open to the feedback your boss might give, you have created the opportunity for a positive outcome and for an improved relationship with him.

This isn’t easy. It IS a choice…one that you can make. Remember…just count to 10!

WHAT IF YOU STEPPED OUTSIDE OF THE BOX? - July 06 Issue

Personal improvement occurs when you begin to focus on what you want to accomplish and then follow your dreams and goals. The famous Peter Drucker quote, “The best way to predict the future is to create it.” clearly places you in charge of your own personal success. So how can you best go about doing that?

First, focus on the strengths that help you move toward your goals. Developing a style that capitalizes on your strengths, one that is unique to you, is called a Strengths Perspective Model. Before you can create that you have to be willing to discard self-limiting beliefs, or, in other words, “step outside of the box.”

This model makes several assumptions about being human. They are:

1. That all people have strengths that enable them to move forward
2. That people are more motivated to move toward things they want than away from things that they don't want
3. That people are more motivated to move towards a goal that they have set for themselves than one that someone else has set for them
4. That all people have the capacity to change but there is no guarantee that all will

Often, in our culture, we are told to be realistic. What this usually means
is, "Don't believe you can accomplish ...". Well, who can say what is realistic for anyone other than ourselves? You have to trust yourself, and believe in yourself.

Everything you attempt won’t work right away. You can learn to manage disappointment when things don't turn out the way you might have wanted. In part, this is just accepting that disappointment is a natural part of being human and taking risks. The key is knowing you can develop skills to deal with the unexpected.

If you think of an obstacle as a hurdle, instead of a wall, then it's easier to choose how you will overcome it. Sometimes you may have to go over, under, or around; it’s getting past it that counts.

In believing that anything is possible by using your strengths to pursue your
goals, you increase a sense of dignity and empowerment. The process of
discovering your strengths and exploring goals can bring about much change, and put you on your personal path toward creating what you want...and deserve.

Next month we will look at how to identify your strengths and help you get on your way to greater personal growth and success.

Are You In A Slump? - August 2006

Have you had times when all of a sudden what has worked for you in the past has stopped getting you the results you are accustomed to?

How do you respond to this? Do you tend to look outside of yourself and point to something or someone else, or do you try to look inside and recognize how you have contributed to your situation? How well do you understand yourself and your impact on your environment?

It’s important to consciously look at what you are doing and understand the “energy” you are creating in the situation you’re experiencing. Another way to think about it is to be aware of what energy you are putting out and how it is affecting everything in the environment you are in.

What do I mean by “energy”? To explain this, it is helpful to realize that we are all putting out energy all of the time. Science has proven that we all emit an electrical field around us that impacts anyone who is around us. Most of us have had the experience of walking into a room and sensing that there had been some conflict that occurred in that room. We could feel the energy, or tension, of an interaction that we missed and was no longer going on. The energy remained! Pretty amazing, isn’t it?

A more personal example might be if you are having problems with one of your children in school and it is preoccupying your thoughts. You go out on a sales call and part of you knows you’re not “all there”. You have already compromised your sale because your energy towards your customer is diverted before you even knock on the door. Secondly, when you are “just going through the motions” because they’ve always worked and you don’t have to think about them, you are, again, putting out a message of not being fully engaged or interested in really hearing and helping the customer. Trust, your customers know when this is happening.

So, what can you do about this? Having problems at home or at work is a normal part of life. When you go on a sales call, just “check in” with yourself and if you find that you aren’t focused on the call, then pause, take a breath, and let go of any thoughts and feelings that aren’t related to the business at hand. You can put them aside, so to speak, and come back to them later…after you’ve made the sale!

WHEN A STRENGTH BECOMES A WEAKNESS September 2006
by Jill Seipel


Each of us has a set of strengths that make us unique and influence how we interact with others in our environment. Most of us want to be appreciated for our strengths. It gives added value to our sense of ourselves, as well as helps us feel effective in our environment.

It’s important to keep in mind that strengths can turn into a weakness if overused in a situation. Think of the flip side of the same coin, one as strength, the other as weakness. They coexist in all aspects of who we are. One example that comes to mind is perseverance. It’s a position of strength when used to continue working in a direction to accomplish a goal. It slips into a position of weakness when you tenaciously hold onto that position when the goal has changed or is no longer viable.

So, to increase your success, it is critical to assess your own strengths and then look at the flip side of each so that you know the area of weakness. If you do this, I think you’ll be able to more easily recognize when you’re losing your audience and you can shift your position accordingly. I’m sure you can appreciate how helpful this would be in a team meeting or with one of your customers. YOU have the ability to turn any interaction around as long as you stay focused on yourself and recognize when you are using your strengths effectively or when they have actually slipped into the area of weakness you have previously identified. Have fun with it and see it as an opportunity to increase your awareness of yourself and your positive influence on others!

To get you started I’ve listed below some examples of when over used strengths may become a weakness:

Directness may become Insensitive
Daring may become Reckless
Independent may become Self-important
Inquisitive may become Intrusive
Confident may become Arrogant
Persuasive may become Manipulative

ARE YOU EVER SAD? October 2006
by Jill Seipel

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a seasonal depression that occurs in a large number of individuals. Basically, it occurs during the time of year when days are shorter and darker (winter). Sometimes, however, starting as early as October, a person may start to feel low as he/she anticipates the upcoming winter season. Even the change from daylight savings time back to standard time can elicit a low mood. The weather that occurs during the fall/winter season can heavily influence how an individual may feel during those ensuing months.

If you are someone who is affected by the seasonal changes, it’s encouraging to know that there are things you can do to address it. Research has shown that it is very helpful to get as much natural sunlight as possible every day. Additionally, one can purchase artificial lighting that simulates sunlight and use it in the home to increase exposure. It is probably no surprise that exercise is critical. It almost doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you MOVE! It’s important to stay involved with others and do activities that are meaningful to you.

Consider traveling to a sunny destination during the winter months, whether it is for a short getaway or a longer excursion. For a more severe depression, you may benefit from taking medication. Those of you who suffer from SAD can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone and that there is always the return of spring and summer to look forward to as you near the end of winter.

WHAT IS PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR...
AND WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH IT? November 2006
by Jill Seipel

Passive-aggressive behavior is manipulative behavior. Passive-aggressors are people who desire approval and develop a dependence on others, but then resent the dependency they feel in those same relationships. They are skilled at getting out of responsibilities they resent having to fulfill.

The term “passive” refers to the tendency for a person to show their feelings indirectly. They will often agree to reasonable requests, then find a way to sabotage, either by “acting out” emotionally or behaviorally. Emotionally, this might show up as withdrawal, sulking, or confusion. Behaviorally, this might show up as forgetting, procrastinating or purposely acting inefficiently.

Basically, the message passive-aggressors are sending is, “Don’t control me”. They will say whatever is necessary to directly avoid conflict or any perceived potential for conflict. They experience both their own anger and others’ as overwhelming and frightening. It is believed that about half of all passive-aggressors are aware of what they are doing. The other half seem to really be unaware of what they are doing that infuriates others.

Are you a passive-aggressor? A quick way to determine this follows:

KNOW YOUR OPERATIONAL STYLE: Are you an Offender or a Victim? If you know what you are doing in your interaction with others, work to change your patterns, i.e., be honest about what you feel and about what you want to do or not do.

STOP TRYING TO PLEASE: If you try to please others at the cost to yourself, you will end up feeling resentful. Be willing to risk disappointment from others when you have to say “no” to what they want from you. If you can only please one person, start with yourself. You will not only feel stronger inside, you will feel better in your relationships.

NOTICE WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY: Anger tends to be a feeling that you deny, avoid, and are fearful of. It exists in all of us, so accept it as part of yourself. Try to identify what feeling you are having tied to any situation, i.e., sadness, loneliness, or embarrassment, and be willing to express yourself clearly and honestly. You’ll be amazed at how much more effective you’ll be with others. You’ll also earn their respect.

FIGHT FAIR: State your position and feelings clearly and listen to the other person’s, as well. Do your best to really understand where the other person is coming from. Do not think in terms of “I’m right, he’s wrong” or you’ll deadlock any interaction. The goal is to respect yourself as well as others while increasing your skills at clear, direct and honest communication.
 

What Do You Know About How We Are Wired? January 2007
by Jill Seipel

Did you know that our brains are wired to connect? What does this mean, exactly?

Daniel Goleman, PhD, thoroughly explains it in his latest book, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships. For an incredibly interesting and thought provoking read, get the book. It may change how you look at every relationship, including your relationship with your clients.

What science is showing is that every interaction we have with other people has an effect on us and on them. Do you find this idea enlightening or frightening? If you think about it, this knowledge can provide us with increased awareness of our potential to influence others in our interactions with them. What we know is that there are regions in the brain that have specialized cells, called mirror neurons. These cells sense the move another person is about to make and prepare us to synchronize our movements and facial expressions. Mirror neurons are actively working in all kinds of social situations.

We have what is considered a social brain and it is essentially wired for social intelligence. Social intelligence is about being intelligent about relationships. The first part of social intelligence is about empathy, which is sensing what another person is feeling. The second part of social intelligence is about social skills; knowing what to say and timing what you are saying so that your interactions with another person are effective and satisfactory to you both. How well do you think you do this? If you’re not sure, experiment a bit. Study others and try to discern different feeling states. Maybe even check it out with them by asking what they are feeling to see how accurate you are.

Social intelligence is a skill that can be developed and improved. Improving one’s ability for empathy can be accomplished by consciously and frequently paying full attention to others. Also, modeling healthy behavior can show, by example, an alternative way of dealing with a situation. An example of this is if one person displays an angry outburst and the person dealing with them does not react with anger, that person actually can diffuse the anger of the first person and help them calm down. It’s an amazing skill, so develop it, practice it, and increase your positive influences on others!

Can Being Hopeful Increase Your Sales? February 2007
by Jill Seipel

People who are hopeful are healthier and happier than those who aren't. Can that also mean that being hopeful can increase your success as a sales person?

Everyone has a sense that hope is a good thing and that life would be pretty difficult without it, but just what exactly is hope? The best definition I've seen is one C.S. Snyder wrote in his book, The Psychology of Hope: You Can Get There From Here. He writes that "hope is a motivational construct that allows one to believe in positive outcomes, conceive of goals, develop strategies, and muster the motivation to implement them". Does this sound familiar to you? If you're reading this E-Zine, then you are aware of Tom's System Selling approach, and have likely decided that you are in charge of creating your own results. If that’s so, then you are, according to Snyder, hopeful.

Hopeful people tend to be more resilient, more trusting, more open, and more motivated than those who are not, so they often receive more from the world.

Hopeful people often pursue five or six clear goals simultaneously. They have preferred pathways to achievement, as well as alternative choices in case of obstacles. They use a "me-we" way of thinking that focuses on helping others succeed; in other words, they tend to take a win-win approach to relationships.

Additionally, the research shows that hope is important in aging well and performing well. Hopeful people take better physical care of themselves, have more self-esteem, and can better tolerate pain. They've learned to accentuate the positive and also to laugh at themselves and others. They keep things in perspective!

Some examples of traits of hope are:

• Supported Mastery: You are confident that you can reach your goals and you feel empowered in your efforts.
• Basic Trust: You have a fundamental trust of others and it influences your response to every situation.
• Openness: The more hopeful and trusting you are, the more open you will be to others.
• Ultimate Ends: You are committed to a set of ethics and a mission; this gives you direction.
• Positive Future: Your future is full of possibilities; you play an active role in your own success!

So, if you're not already a hopeful person, start now and develop it. It will work for you, and everyone who comes in contact with you, including your clients!

Do You Feel Guilty When You Make A Mistake? March 2007
by Jill Seipel

Feelings of guilt come from our conscience, which is that part of us that lets us know the difference between right and wrong. Without feelings of guilt, there would be no control over our behavior. For example, if we wanted something, we would just steal it. Or, if we were angry at someone, we would try to hurt them emotionally or physically. Guilt develops from the values and limits our parents and other adults taught us (as children) which we internalized. There is appropriate guilt and then there is debilitating guilt.

In a situation with appropriate guilt, a person will feel relief from guilt when amends are made. For instance, you make a mistake on the financing for the sale of an air conditioner. You recognize it after reviewing the contract. You contact the client and inform them of it, then address how you will take care of it. It all works out in the end. This is an example of guilt that is healthy.

In a situation with debilitating guilt, a person feels there is nothing they can do once a mistake has been made. They feel that admitting to a mistake would be a negative statement about their character, so they avoid admitting or avoid addressing it. Using the example from above, the person experiencing debilitating guilt would not call the client, perhaps hoping the financing mistake wouldn’t be noticed. It would be caught at some point, which could lead to a confused and irate client, a manager having to get involved, etc. You get the picture. This is an example of guilt that is not healthy.

Remember, we all make mistakes and we are all prone to feeling guilt. So, if you find yourself experiencing guilt over a mistake you’ve made, keep it in a healthy perspective. Remind yourself that it is your emotional response telling you to do the right thing. First take charge by owning it. Then address the situation as soon as you can. You’ll feel better about yourself, you’ll experience appreciation and respect from your client, and you’ll make your life easier!

Jill

Fighting Fair: Can You Really? April 2007
by Jill Seipel

In my work as a therapist, which is predominantly with couples, this is a question that often arises. Any couple or any two people, for that matter, can learn how to “fight fairly”. It is to the individual’s, as well as the couple’s benefit to do so.

What I find interesting, although not particularly surprising, is that in almost every arena of our lives we are taught “how to play the game fairly”. Whether you’re talking about golf, baseball, football, tennis, or most anything else that requires some interaction between two or more people, there are rules!

Rules are set up to create an equal opportunity for both sides. Rules are established to also help regulate what happens during the interaction, i.e., game, so no one is hit with the unexpected and required to continue performing at their same optimal level. Rules establish boundaries. As humans, we tend to do better when we know what the boundaries are.

So, what are some examples of “fair fighting” rules regarding any relationship? I
Here are a few:

1. No name calling.

2. No disrespectful language or behavior.

3. No blaming or shaming the other person for their position.

4. Take responsibility for your own reaction and handle it. If you find yourself getting angry, say so, then take a time out until you are calmed down enough to resume.

5. Drop the need to be “right”. If you have to be “right” that means the other person has to be “wrong”. Where do you go from there? Not very far!

6. Do your best to understand the other person first vs. getting them to understand you first. It’s amazing what happens when a person sees that you really want to know what they are thinking and feeling.

7. Think in terms of “Win/Win”, so that your focus is about having a successful outcome.

8. Keep in mind that everyone wants to be listened to and understood for who they are and when this can be successfully accomplished, it feels good to all involved.

So, you say, why bother? Consider this. You’ll feel more effective in your relationships. Your relationships will be more satisfying. You’ll have more fun in your relationships. Your relationships will be longer lasting. You’ll develop more self-confidence and success in all of your interactions!

Have You Checked Out Your Thinking Lately? July 2007
by Jill Seipel

So, you were absolutely sure you were right…and you were totally wrong. Sound familiar? You’re not alone. This is something that almost everyone does, knowingly or unknowingly.

Have you heard of cognitive distortions? If not, understanding this will help you in your interactions with others, both in your business and your personal life.

In general, a cognitive distortion is any thought process that is limiting, self-defeating and non-productive. Many of us get trapped in cognitive distortions without being aware of it. As you read through the list below, notice which ones you think may apply to you.

1. ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING: You see things in terms of all or nothing. For example, if your performance is not perfect, you see yourself as a complete failure.

2. OVERGENERALIZATION: You see a single negative event as a never ending pattern of failure.

3. MENTAL FILTER: You focus on a negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes negative.

4. DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE: You reject positive experiences by insisting that they don’t count for some reason or another. This helps you maintain a negative belief that is often contradicted by your everyday experiences.

5. JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion. An example of this is called “mind reading”. You think you know a person so well that you are sure you know what he/she is thinking, and you also know what he/she means. And you don’t bother to ask.

6. MAGNIFICATION OR MINIMIZATION: You exaggerate the importance of something (such as your mistake or someone else’s success) or you inappropriately discount them (such as your own skill set or someone else’s imperfections).

7. EMOTIONAL REASONING: You assume that your negative emotions reflect the way things really are. For example, the belief that “I feel it, therefore it must be true”.

8. SHOULD STATEMENTS: You try to motivate yourself with “should’s” and “shouldn’ts”, as if you had to be whipped into shape before you could be expected to do anything. The emotional consequence of this thinking is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration and resentment.

9. LABELING AND MISLABELING: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. For example, instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser”. When someone else’s behavior hits you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him. “He’s full of himself”. Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly charged and emotionally loaded.

10. PERSONALIZATION: You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which, in fact, you were not primarily responsible for. Just because you were there, it doesn’t mean it’s about you or even necessarily connected to you!

Recognizing your own cognitive distortions will enable you to work toward modifying your thinking so that you will be more effective in all of your relationships. In addition, it might just also help you to be more understanding and tolerant of others!


Jill M. Seipel, LICSW
2007

Does Confidence Impact Success? August 2007
by Jill Seipel

Have you ever been in a situation when you knew you were going to be successful? Have you ever been in a situation when you were paralyzed with fear and couldn’t even take a first step? The difference in these two circumstances wasn’t necessarily in your ability but was probably related to your confidence.

Each of us has more or less confidence depending on the circumstances. For example, you could feel fine about your ability to fix a car but not about public speaking. When an outcome is unclear, confident people tend to think, “of course I’ll try because I’m likely to succeed”. Even if they don’t succeed that time, they feel that they will another time. People who are under-confident believe that they’ll fail so there’s no point in even trying. Those who are overconfident believe that they are entitled to success without having to work for it.

Confident people can admit to their mistakes; they listen to advice and correct errors quickly. They know themselves. They understand their strengths and accept their weaknesses without feeling inadequate. They view life’s ups and downs from a healthy perspective.

Anyone can build confidence. One of the most important steps to building confidence is to do something good for someone else. When we are focused on someone else instead of ourselves, we give the gift of our attention. The appreciation we receive from others when we do this makes us more secure because we feel that we have something of value to offer.

For example, consider the customer who requests a seemingly endless amount of information and asks you about a product, such as a hybrid heat pump, that you know little about. Initially you might not be confident about selling to a detail-oriented customer, nor would you be confident about selling a product that you don’t currently offer. What would most salespeople do in this situation? Probably walk away. Let’s say you decide to stick it out. You decide to be patient, do your research, and then you make the sale and install the system. The customer is so happy that he raves about you to everyone he knows. Do you think this would impact your confidence in a future similar situation? Of course, and you would approach the next situation full of confidence and belief that you would be successful again.

Think of a situation right now where your lack of confidence may be keeping you from taking action. Apply what I’m suggesting by considering how you can help others get their needs met and see if that doesn’t lead you towards feeling more confident and increasing your success.

AMBIVALENCE: A Paralysis of Choices October 2007
by Jill Seipel

Have you ever felt stuck between two choices? Have you been frustrated by others who appear to be in a similar place? Why does it occur and how can someone get through it?

In psychology, ambivalence is defined as the simultaneous existence of conflicting emotions about something or someone. Most of us have experienced ambivalence at some point in our lives. It is helpful to remember that it is a natural experience. We also need to keep in mind that there are pitfalls in remaining ambivalent for an extended period of time. For example, a person who becomes paralyzed is unable to make a choice or a decision. This leads to increased frustration, dissatisfaction, and anxiety, which may result in decreased productivity or no productivity at all.

When a person feels ambivalent, he struggles to determine which direction would be most beneficial to him. People who experience ambivalence often tend to be perfectionists, who feel that there is only one best choice. Solution: if a person can evaluate each choice as having value and offering different opportunities, then there is no “one best choice”. This frees up the ability to think in terms of options. It helps to eliminate extended periods of ambivalence which trap us and are non-productive.

When a person feels ambivalent, he generally will default to the status quo because it is familiar and predictable, even though it may be uncomfortable. In contrast, any change is unpredictable and arouses anxiety. A person may believe that if he fails in his efforts to change, he will feel even worse. Since risk is involved in any decision making, it requires a certain sense of perspective about one’s capabilities. Solutions: 1) Tell yourself or suggest to others to take small steps and gain confidence, and 2) Ask for support from others or offer support to others…a “lifeline”…just in case.

Be patient and understanding with yourself and others. You and they have reasons to think and feel the way you do. By recognizing how you are challenged and what you may be missing by being stuck, you are already making progress toward reducing this tendency.

Are You Emotionally Frozen? November 2007
by Jill Seipel

What is it about the holiday season that stresses us? Is it a reality that “comes with the season”? Or, is it more likely that we imagine this time of year to be stressful and so we create our experiences to fit that belief? What if it’s some of both? According to research from a variety of fields, including neuroscience, psychology and physics, it is most likely a combination of both. Let me explain.

The part of the brain that is normally activated when you see objects with your eyes (a sensory area called the visual cortex) is also activated when you review from your memory mental images of that object or experiences connected to that object. Guess what that means? I probably don’t have to tell you. It means that your past experiences will influence your current experiences.

To ensure that your perceptions are believable, your brain accepts what your eyes see. To ensure that your perceptions are valid, your eyes look for what your brain wants to find. The collaboration of these two systems allows you to hold both the harsh reality of life and the more creative illusion simultaneously.

Knowing this can be helpful in your ability to enter this holiday season in a more mindful way. In other words, you have a choice in what you create this holiday season. Do you have a host of frustrating memories of crowded malls without available parking, shopping in a frenzied state and no time for eating? In reality, if you venture out at this time of year, it can be exactly what you see and find almost anywhere. Your past may amplify your negative perception of your present experience. This does not bode well for enjoying your upcoming holiday season.

In contrast, do you have a history of pleasant memories of time off, relaxing moments, good food, and fun with family and friends? If so, you’re ahead of the game. You’ve already set the stage for what you will most likely experience this year.

Use your past as a present reference and create a stress-less holiday season.
Keep in mind that although both reality (as we see it) and imagination (as we create it) shape our experiences they may be interpreted or reinterpreted in many ways. We have vast potential to change the reality of our present and future experiences and our view of ourselves.

 

Holiday Stress: Imagined or Real? December 2007
by Jill Seipel

What is it about the holiday season that stresses us? Is it a reality that “comes with the season”? Or, is it more likely that we imagine this time of year to be stressful and so we create our experiences to fit that belief? What if it’s some of both? According to research from a variety of fields, including neuroscience, psychology and physics, it is most likely a combination of both. Let me explain.

The part of the brain that is normally activated when you see objects with your eyes (a sensory area called the visual cortex) is also activated when you review from your memory mental images of that object or experiences connected to that object. Guess what that means? I probably don’t have to tell you. It means that your past experiences will influence your current experiences.

To ensure that your perceptions are believable, your brain accepts what your eyes see. To ensure that your perceptions are valid, your eyes look for what your brain wants to find. The collaboration of these two systems allows you to hold both the harsh reality of life and the more creative illusion simultaneously.

Knowing this can be helpful in your ability to enter this holiday season in a more mindful way. In other words, you have a choice in what you create this holiday season. Do you have a host of frustrating memories of crowded malls without available parking, shopping in a frenzied state and no time for eating? In reality, if you venture out at this time of year, it can be exactly what you see and find almost anywhere. Your past may amplify your negative perception of your present experience. This does not bode well for enjoying your upcoming holiday season.

In contrast, do you have a history of pleasant memories of time off, relaxing moments, good food, and fun with family and friends? If so, you’re ahead of the game. You’ve already set the stage for what you will most likely experience this year.

Use your past as a present reference and create a stress-less holiday season.
Keep in mind that although both reality (as we see it) and imagination (as we create it) shape our experiences they may be interpreted or reinterpreted in many ways. We have vast potential to change the reality of our present and future experiences and our view of ourselves.